Big Billy – Breakin’ out my Speedo

June’s here and there’s at least a rumour summer will be on its way at some point, and that means I can start walkin’ around in as little clothes as possible.

Now, Minnie will probably be mortified that I’m even sayin’ that, but the way I see it, Big BIllyif it’s OK for a man to go outside with like a Speedo on, what’s the difference if he goes out in his underwear?

Take last summer, me and Minnie’s watchin’ TV, vegged right out on the couch and chair in the livin’ room, each of us with a fan on us. I get up to get a glass of pop from the fridge and Minnie says – do us a favour and run out the truck and get my smokes? I forgot ‘em.

So I says sure my dear, and I walk out in the driveway wearin’ just my blue Fruit of the Looms. She blasted me some good for that one, I tell ya. The whole neighbourhood can see your gear! she yelled at me.

Now, I don’t exactly got an athlete’s figure or anything here. In fact, I got more rolls than the Sobeys bakery, and I guess if I had any shame at all I’d be embarrassed, but I’m not, and I guess that’s just me. Anyways, I figured I could at least take a look at some health tips in one of Minnie’s magazines to see if there’s any shot of me gettin’ into shape before the real heat starts. I gotta say, I was pleasantly surprised:

Follow a healthy, balanced diet. I can read all the words OK but I got no idea what this means. I usually follow healthy food with a nice dessert, so I guess that’s what they mean by balanced. Plus, I know from a run-in with a nice RCMP officer a few years ago that I can touch my nose while walkin’ a straight line – now that’s balance for ya.

Eat different types of foods. Now here’s one I can really get behind. Minnie’s always after me for eatin’ kielbasa every chance I get. But I’m open to lots of things – that’s why at funerals and stuff like that I always go for them variety trays, and I’ll mix it up a bit. I’ll have not only kielbasa – I’ll also grab a mittful of Polish sausage, some pepperoni and salami. Sometimes I’ll even stick a piece of ham between two pieces of turkey roll or somethin’ like that. I think I got this one down.

Don’t skip breakfast. This is an easy one for me, because breakfast is the longest meal of the day for me. It takes about three hours – I get up before everybody else a lot of the time and I sit there still half asleep and I have six or seven cups of tea and about half a pack of cigarettes. When Minnie gets up, I get her to throw a slice of bread in the toaster and when it’s ready I put some peanna budder on it and we’re all set.

Drink lots of water. When I first seen this one, I thought I might be in trouble, since I never just go drink a glass of water. But then just lucky, the same day I read Minnie’s magazine, that night there was one of them shows – How It’s Made, or How’d They Do that, or whatever – that went through the whole process of how beer is made. And wouldn’t you know it? The main ingredient in beer is water! So, needless to say, I’m gettin’ more than my share of water, that’s for sure.

Exercise regularly. What if I told you there was a way you could get your exercise all summer in an air-conditioned facility without breakin’ your regular routine at all? All ya gotta do is take the wife to the grocery store once a week. You walk into them places and the air conditioning just hits you right away and dries your armpits and makes you feel better. So where’s the exercise, you say, eh? Did you ever realize that when you go grocery shoppin’ you gotta pick up each thing and put it down again five times? You pick it up off the shelf, put it in the cart, take it out of the cart to put it on the belt. Then you pick up the bag it’s in and put it in your cart. Then you move the bag from your cart to your truck. Then you move the bag from the truck to the kitchen table. Then you move each thing out of the bag and put it in the fridge or the cupboard. Liftin’ things and puttin’ them down five times like that? At the gym that’s what they call doin’ a set, buddy.

So there ya go – judgin’ by the health tips in Minnie’s own magazine I’m already doin’ all right as far as keepin’ in shape goes. With a health plan like this, I think the neighbourhood better get used to seein’ my gear. Don’t say yis weren’t warned.

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