Big Billy – Flat on my back

Like most of the trouble I get into, if you ask Minnie how I got into this whole mess, she’ll tell ya it’s all my own fault.

Now, I’ll admit, she did tell me more than a few times to kick the snow off my boots before I Big BIllycome through the door so I don’t get snow all over the kitchen floor. And I admit there might have even been a time or two when she said that if there was snow all over the floor somebody might come along and slip on it.

Yes, she said them things. But holy cripes, ya gotta consider how many things like that she says to me in the run of a day just for the sake of sayin’ them. Oh, she got a few doozies. Don’t leave your mug on the stove like that – if there’s a power surge and the stove comes on, the whole house could catch fire. Don’t put the cap all the way back on that pop – if ya don’t let it get a bit flat, the bubbles’ll destry your gall bladder. Don’t pull your socks all the way up – the elastic cuts off the circulation to your feet and you’re libel to lose your toes.

I mean, if I listened to everything Minnie said and heeded every warning that came out of her mouth, I’d be in the nuthouse for sure. So the fact that she warned me about the snow on the floor don’t really mean nothin’ as far as I’m concerned.

But I guess none of that changes what happened the other day. I came home, kicked off my snowy boots in the kitchen doorway, went into the living room to find my slippers, came back out to the kitchen, poured myself a cup of tea and then started to walk back to the living room. When my slipper came down on the little puddle of snow, there was just a little second where it skidded along the floor a bit and I realized what was happenin’. I reached out to steady my tea and keep it from sloshin’ in my cup and I actually thought to myself – good thing Minnie’s not here to see me takin’ this little skid on the snowy floor.

But instead of skiddin’ to a stop and lettin’ me just continue on my merry way, my slipper slipped right along to a bigger puddle of snow, and oh my god, she was all over. My head seemed to stay at about the same spot, but for a second there my two feet were up in the air at right about the same level. You know you’re in bad shape when your nose is about a half-inch from the tartan pattern on your slipper and you’re a good five or six feet up in the air.

I flailed my arms out like an idiot and my whole cup of tea went flyin’ and bounced off the cupboard door, splashin’ hot tea all over the kitchen. Why is it when ya start fallin’ ya can’t help but flail your arms around like that? It’s like your brain says to your body – OK, buddy, it looks like we’re fallin’ here. Why don’t you flap your arms right quick and see if we’re able to fly our way out of this? But as far as I know, nobody ever managed to fly away and what happens is what happened to me – ya smash back down to the ground, knock the wind out of your lungs, slip a disc in your back, and, I admit it, pee your pants a little bit.

Anyways, after I landed on the floor and the pain shot through my back and I realized what happened, I knew I wouldn’t be able to get myself up. Minnie and Rosie were over at Cathy’s to see the baby, and I said to myself – thank cripes Little Bill is home. He was up in his room, but I thought, with the god-awful noise I just made after the fall, not to mention all the noise I made bouncin’ the cup off the cupboard and all that, surely he’ll hear the commotion and come runnin’ downstairs to see what’s wrong. But of course, nobody Little Bill’s age can do anything unless they got headphones stuck in their ears blastin’ music. And that’s what he was doin’ up in his room.

And that’s how come I was still on the floor rollin’ around in pain in a puddle of melted snow and tea when Minnie came in the door with an armload of groceries and damn near tripped over me.

I’ll tell ya, it was a bad fall and my back is still killin’ me, but the worst part of the whole thing is, I ended up laid out on the couch for three days, unable to move and completely dependent on everybody to do everything for me. Havin’ the whole family wait on me hand and foot wasn’t so bad, but bein’ stuck in one spot like that – real quick I had to get used to spendin’ all day hearin’ things like, Don’t tuck the blanket under your chin – the wool will give ya hives.

Sigh. Yes dear.

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