Big Billy – Foot-in-mouth disease

If ya find yourself out to eat somewhere and you’re supposed to be havin’ a romantic meal with your wife, my advice is, don’t tell any fishin’ stories. Because, see, that’s where I went wrong.

Minnie said she was sick of slavin’ over the stove every night, and since Rosie and Little Big BIllyBill were both out with their friends anyway, we should go out to eat somewhere.

When’s the last time we had a nice romantic supper out somewhere? she said.

Ya don’t gotta tell me twice, I said. Ya had me at “supper”.

So we go to a restaurant, and I won’t say which one or where it’s at, because I’m still not sure if they’re gonna press charges against me. Anyways, we go in and they seat us at a nice table, and our waitress comes over – a bit of a bigger girl, but just as nice as anything. So she takes our order and then we’re just sittin’ there, me and Minnie, and neither one of us is sayin’ a word.

Swear to cripes, ya could hear the people breathin’ at the table next to us, we were so quiet. After you’ve been together as many years as we have, I guess there’s not a whole lot ya can bring up that the other one’s not gonna know about ya already, eh. “Some of my interests include watchin’ hockey, drinkin’ beer, ninja movies and bacon.” I think she probably got that figured out about me already.

Ya know what, I blame TV. On TV people always got somethin’ funny or interesting to say, and in life it just don’t work that way. There should be nothin’ wrong with just sittin’ there, waitin’ for your food in silence, but instead there’s all this pressure. So, since we were supposed to be havin’ a nice supper out, I figured a good way to make sure Minnie was havin’ fun was to tell her a funny story and get her laughin’.

And it just so happened, that mornin’ when we were at Tim Horton’s, Tommy told us this funny story about when him and Timmy went fishin’. To make a long story short, it involved a cooler full of beer, Timmy of them takin’ a leak over the side of the boat, jumpin’ up when the fishin’ line finally had a bite, gettin’ somethin’ very paniful caught in his zipper, and still landin’ the biggest fish of the day.

Now, when Tommy was tellin’ the story, we were all in splits. Of course, me and Cyril and Murph and all of us there musta gone fishin’ with Timmy and Tommy hundreds of times, and we all think there’s nothin’ funnier than a good fishin’ story. But when I was tellin’ it, I could see Minnie didn’t find it nearly as funny.

Whaddya mean, Tommy’s twelve-footer? she said, interruptin’.

That’s his boat, I said.

What in the hell is a St. Croix? she said another time.

That’s just the kind of fishin’ rod he got, I said. I just meant, he reached for his fishin’ rod.

Anyway, with all them interruptions the story probably wasn’t gonna go over too hilarious anyway, but I pressed ahead to the big finish. I got to the part where he hauls the fish out of the water and did the next part just like Tommy did it.

Look at the size of this thing! I said, flingin’ my hands way out to show how big the fish was. And just as I was sayin’ it, that’s when I accidentally slapped the waitress on the arse.

Ohhhhh cripes. The waitress screams and jumps up and turns around and looks at me like I shot her. Then she looks at Minnie, looks back at me, and the both of us start apologizin’ up and down and swearin’ it was an accident.

I didn’t meant to say ya got a big arse, dear! I said to her.

Shut up! Minnie said. You’re makin’ it worse!

Ya never seen people eat fish n’ chips so fast in your life. We got out of there as fast as we could and I could tell Minnie was mortified.

Only you, Billy, I swear, she said in the truck on the way home, sorta grindin’ her teeth. This is like the time me and Joan asked you and Cyril to help out at one of our bake sales and as you bent over to get more date squares to put on the table, you blew out the arse of my joggin’ pants in front of three senior citizens just as you happened to say, See anything yis like ladies?

That was an accident, I said.

Or the time we ran into DeeDee from club and you kept lookin’ at her daughter and sayin’ how beautiful women look when they’re pregnant. Oh, what a glow ya got, dear, you said. Only she wasn’t pregnant.

I was just tryin’ to be nice, I said.

And then there’s the time, she said – but by this time she stopped grindin’ her teeth and was tryin’ not to laugh to spite herself – And then there’s the time the world junior hockey game was on after Little Nicky’s christening and you turned to the priest, who didn’t even know the game was on, and said – Do you like the look of the boys this year, Father?

When she reminded me of that one, I had to laugh because the look on the priest’s face was priceless. He turned red, then white, then red again, and mumbled somethin’ about sheep that stray from the flock.

So finally, we both roar laughin’ until we’re coughin’, and I say:

Anyways, he caught the fish all right but he’s been walkin’ funny ever since.

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