Big Billy – Girl Guide cookie mafia

I mentioned last week how every time a politician came around knockin’ on the door I’d jump up hopin’ it was somebody sellin’ Girl Guide cookies. Well, what I didn’t tell yis is I had a foolproof master plan for gettin’ my hands on all the Girl Guide cookies I could find this year. But I guess since I got caught and I’m already in Minnie’s doghouse, I might as well tell yis about it.

It all started last year around this time. I was at Tim Horton’s with all the fellas as usual Big BIllyand I was complainin’ about how I never got many Girl Guide cookies. Even though I had a $20 bill I was just itchin’ to turn into cookies, Minnie told the little girl at the door we’d only take two boxes, one of each kind.

Oh my cripes! I says, after Minnie closed the door. One lousy box of chocolate cookies! That’s all we got! To split between the four of us!

She shot me the evil eye and told me how the last thing I need is to stuff my face with more cookies. And then ya know what she did? She opened the box up right there and counted them and told me how many I was allowed to have so they’d be divided equally.

I never seen the like! I said, and just for spite I took my entire share in my hand and shoved them in my mouth all at once.

So anyways, after that happened last year, I was tellin’ the guys about it at Horton’s and Tommy says – Ya shoulda let me know ya wanted some. My niece had cases and cases of them.

Well, I filed that little bit of information away in the old noggin’ and I guess it musta stuck, because one night in the summer – July I guess it was – right out of the blue I thought about them cookies, and I remembered Tommy sayin’ he’d be able to get me some. But of course, I knew I’d have to pull this off without Minnie knowin’ anything about it.

Minnie was sittin’ at the kitchen table when I called Tommy up.

Hey buddy, I said. I found that wrench if ya still wanna borrow it.

What wrench? Tommy said on the other end of the phone. What in the hell are ya talkin’ about?

RIght on, buddy, I’ll be right over with it! and I hung up as Tommy was askin’ me if I was mental.

Tommy wants a lend of a wrench, I said to Minnie. I’ll be right back.

And just to keep up the charade, I actually went out to the barn and got a wrench and carried to the truck before I left, just in case Minnie was watchin’ from the window or somethin’.

Ya shoulda seen the look on Tommy’s face when I showed up with a wrench. But I explained to him he had to keep the wrench for my cover story, and the real reason I came over was to
make sure I could buy Girl Guide cookies.

We sat at his kitchen table like two mafia bosses negotiatin’ a big deal.

How many ya want? Tommy said.

How many can ya get? I said.

Tommy went to the phone in the hall and made a quick phone call. I swear to cripes it was like somethin’ from Goodfellas.

I should be able to get you ten, twelve boxes no problem, Tommy said.

Done deal, I said, and we shook on it. Only problem, I told him, was Minnie would notice me comin’ home with ten boxes of cookies, so as my supplier, I’d need him to hold them for me. For an extra buck a box, he agreed to store them in his barn.

When September came along and I paid him for the cookies, we worked it out so he’d deliver me one box each mornin’ at Tim Horton’s. I’d take home the box, make sure half of it was gone by the time Minnie went up to bed, then I’d sit down and finish the rest of the box. The next morning, I’d eat half the box on the way back home and then sneak it back into the cupboard so Minnie was none the wiser.

It was kind of brilliant, if I do say so myself. The only problem is, after a few days of that, I felt like I was full of chocolate cookies. It got so bad, I had to force myself to eat the half a box in the morning and the half a box at night just to keep up.

Then last Thursday Minnie went up to bed and I said I was gonna just catch the sports highlights and then I’d be up. Soon as she got to the top of the stairs, I started eatin’ the cookies. Then I hear the bedroom door open and she comes back down while I got four cookies stuffed in my mouth.

I forgot my book, she said. I was readin’ it on the couch and –

She stopped and looked at me.

Is your mouth full of cookies? she said, lookin’ at the empty box.

I thought I’d be helpful and bend over to get her book of the couch, but that’s when it happened. I got sick and a week’s worth of smuggled chocolate Girl Guide cookies splattered all over her book and the couch cushion.

So I ended up tellin’ her about the deal I had with Tommy and she yelled at me for spendin’ that much money on cookies when we could have used it for school supplies.

So I did the only honourable thing I could do. The next morning at Horton’s I asked Tommy if I could trade the two boxes of chocolate I had left for two boxes of vanilla. Minnie likes them better.

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