Big Billy – How to get the TV all to yourself

Minnie’s been tryin’ to get me to eat vegetables and healthy stuff for years but so far I’ve been pretty good at gettin’ out of it most of the time. Nowadays, she knows I hate that stuff, but years ago I had to be sneaky about not eatin’ it because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings.

Like the first time I came out to supper and she plunked a salad down in front of me.

What in the hell is this? I says, lookin’ at the bowl full of lettuce. Did we get a rabbit, or what?

But of course, she made me try it. And she had some kind of spicy dressing on it, so it didn’t really taste that bad, but of course I couldn’t let on to her. I figured if I said it wasn’t bad, I’d be eatin’ grass and hay for supper every night.

I ate maybe half the bowl of it, and then I grabbed my guts and said – Ooohhhh my stomach! The pain! That’s not right at all!

And then I ran upstairs and locked myself in the bathroom with the Canadian Tire flyer for half an hour. Every couple of pages, I’d yell out stuff like – Oh my cripes! My guts! That lettuce is doin’ a number on me! And after I was in there so long I had the price of socket sets memorized, I finally came out.

Then I got this great idea. Or at least, it seemed like a great idea at the time. Rosie was only little then, and after I came out of the bathroom I seen she had a colourin’ book and markers on the floor in her bedroom. Minnie and the kids were all downstairs, so I grabbed the red marker and started dabbin’ myself all over with it on my face and arms.

I stuck the marker in the pocket of my joggin’ pants and went downstairs clutchin’ my guts again.

Holy cripes! I said. I’m in some shape. Looks like I’m allergic to lettuce. My guts are a mess and look at the hives I got all over me!

Minnie damn near fell over when she seen my face. I didn’t look at myself in the bathroom mirror, but I guess I prolly overdid it on the red spots.

Of course, I had to keep it up for a couple of days to make sure Minnie believed me. Only thing is, it turned out they were washable markers. So any time I started sweatin’ or washed my hands or anything, the damn spots would come off and I’d have to dig the marker out of my pants and put all the spots back.

I could tell she was already a bit suspicious (prolly because the spots kept movin’ around my face) but she figured the whole thing out on the third day when she opened the washer and everything in it was pink. I guess I left the marker in my joggin’ pants. Thankfully, since it was a washable marker, she just had to wash everything a few more times to get the colour out, but she was some liviid at me.

I shoulda known ya weren’t allergic to lettuce, she said. I seen ya eat enough Big Macs with the lettuce fallin’ off.

Anyways, I’m tellin yis all this so you’ll know how far I’d go to avoid eatin’ anything healthy. But the thing is, Minnie knows me better than anybody, and she knows it’s almost impossible for me to say no to my little girl.

Now, Rosie’s in junior high, and not that little any more, but still, Minnie puts her up to the idea of makin’ supper for us since she’s gettin’ interested in cookin’ and nutrition and all that.

So the whole time the two of them are in the kitchen, it’s a big secret what they’re cookin’. Of course, I don’t know what to expect, but I’m hopin’ it’s a big steak slathered in barbeque sauce with onions and mushrooms and – oh, my mouth was waterin’ just thinkin’ about it.

Of course, when I get out to the table, and my little girl, all smiles, proudly puts her supper creation down in front of me, what do I see? A bowl of lettuce.

Ohhh! I said, tryin’ not to throw myself out the window and run screamin’ down the street. Don’t that look good!

Then she told me what it was, and it had a bunch of names, but I guess it was some kind of salad.

Now, you’re not gonna believe this, but I took a forkful of it, and it was actually tasty. Sure, there was lettuce, but she also put in onions, garlic, tomatoes, little slices of oranges and some nuts. And the dressing was right spicy and everything. I couldn’t believe it.

After that they brought over what I thought was spaghetti and meatballs (one of Minnie’s specialties), but instead the spaghetti was a weird colour and the sauce had all kinds of stuff in it.

It’s whole grain pasta, Rosie says, and instead of meatballs there’s whole mushrooms and the sauce has three different kinds of peppers.

Now I like spicy food, and this was hot as hell. I had sweat pourin’ down my forehead and everything. It was so delicious I even went back and got a big second plate of it.

So when we finish, Rosie tells us how healthy everything was – the calories and the fat content and all that stuff. And I was really surprised how much I liked it since I never like healthy stuff.

Now, I don’t know if you ever ate vegetables but holy cripes they’re gassy. I don’t want to gross ya out or anything, but one good thing about vegetables is, if ya lift your leg in the right direction a few times after supper ya get to watch TV by yourself for the night.