Big Billy – My great big bird

About three weeks ago I was down in the basement and I was tryin’ to cut a piece of plywood to fit over the outside of one of the basement windows, because the casing around it is kind of rotted and we don’t got the money to get new windows put in, so I figured I’d just board it up before winter hits, to keep the snow out.

Anyways, I set up the sheet of plywood on top of the washer and dryer and went to Big BIllyplug in my circular saw, but the only plug I could reach to had Minnie’s deep freezer and a lamp plugged into it.

Well, I had to see what I was doin’ so I unplugged the freezer instead of the lamp. And I guess in all the excitement over what a good job I done cuttin’ the plywood and sealin’ off the window, I never did go back down and plug in the freezer again.

So fast forward to last Saturday night, when Minnie goes down and starts diggin’ in the freezer to get a turkey to thaw out for Thanksgiving. She lets out a big scream and I go barrellin’ down the stairs to see what was.

Everything’s thawed out and the meat’s rotten! she said, with her head stuck in the freezer. There’s not a kick out of it!

Now at this point, Minnie thought the freezer was broke. But as soon I seen what happened, I remembered that I never plugged the damn thing back in weeks ago. But of course, I couldn’t let on.

Oh, I says. What happened there now? I’ll take a look at ‘er.

And I figured what I’d do was, I’d wait for her to go back upstairs, then I’d make some noise like I was tryin’ to fix it. And after about ten or fifteen minutes of that, I’d plug ‘er in to start it up again and then I’d just make up what was wrong with it. Oh, I’d say, looks like one of the coils came loose, or the cooling manifold, or some other word that sounds mechanical that I’d just make up.

And you know, I think I woulda got away with it, too, but when Minnie slammed the lid down on the rotten turkey and went to walk away, she stepped on the end of the plug and damn near tripped over it.

Of course, then the gig was up. She put two and two together when she looked down and seen the plug because it was sittin’ in a bit of sawdust that was still on the floor from where I cut the board. And of course, stupid arse that I am, I started denyin’ it before she ever accused me of anything.

So we got into a big shouting match about how I never clean up after myself, and how just about everything in the world is my fault and blah, blah, blah. And she looks at me with her nostrils flarin’ and her eyes all on fire and she says to me – I got pies ordered and everything! We’re havin’ turkey tomorrow and you better find one somewhere, mister!

Off I go, in the truck and out to every grocery store there is. Not a turkey to be found that late in the game, eh. So I figured – a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.

I told yis before about my buddy Murph – he’s the one with the real bad temper – but what I never told yis is, Murph’s the sorta guy who knows how to find things. Just about anything that falls off a truck, Murph can get his hands on, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, I call him up and I say, Listen, I never asked ya for nothin’ like this before, but…

And he says, Whaddya need? A bag of Indian smokes? Bottle of shine? A DVD player? I can getchya an iPod for $20…

No, I said, it’s nothin’ like that. I need a fresh turkey, and I gotta have it by tomorrow morning.

Murph whistled as if I asked him for a million bucks. That’ll cost ya, he said. Come by my place tomorrow at seven in the morning with eighty bucks and I’ll have a turkey for ya.

I thanked him and hung up, but I was thinkin’ to myself – where in the hell am I gonna get eighty bucks?

So I gathered up what I had, and I rooted through the couch cushions and I raided the change cup in the truck, and that gave me just over $40. So now I needed $40 to save Thanksgiving.

Now, we got this beer glass in the kitchen cupboard where we sometimes put loose change (in fact, that’s where Minnie goes to pay for this paper every week when the little fella comes to the door). Anyway, I look in there and – holy cripes – there’s two twenty-dollar bills folded up, sittin’ on top of the change.

I snatched them up and creeped out at the crack of dawn on Sunday morning to go meet up with Murph and sure enough, he had this great big turkey ready for me.

Holy cripes! I said, holdin’ the turkey with both arms. She’s a beauty!

I paid Murph and headed back home with my great big bird. I burst through the door and presented it to Minnie and I could tell she was actually completely shocked that I came through with one.

She kept askin’ how I did it (because she don’t know Murph’s into anything like that), and I kept sayin’ Ohhhhh I have my ways, dear, I have my ways!

So she cooks the biggest, most delicious Thanksgiving dinner you ever seen in your life. Even Little Bill’s girlfriend had seconds, and she never eats anything.

We were all finished and the teapot started whistlin’ when there was a knock at the door and Minnie said – Oh! That’s dessert there!

She opened the door and there was Joan, holdin’ four pies and a tray of sweets, because she’s always sellin’ her bakin’ and that for fundraisers.

How much do I owe ya? Minnie says, reachin’ into the cupbard, and I realize she’s goin’ for the two twenty-dollar bills from the change cup.

Ohhh cripes, I said.

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