Big Billy – Not the brightest bulb

I’m pretty sure me and Cyril just figured out how we can retire. Well, maybe not retire, but at least buy really big TVs or somethin’.

Yis probably remember I told yis before about Billy and Cyril’s Backyard Auto Sales and Repair, which is a little business me and my brother-in-law Cyril started up a few years ago when we were both on pogey at the same time.

Anyways, our idea was, since we both like fixin’ things and foolin’ around with cars and that, why not find ourselves and old clunker somewheres for next to nothing, spend some time fixin’ it up and then sell the thing for a bundle? We figured we’d be rich in no time, but it never worked out that way. For the longest time, we got stuck with a 1978 Ford Pinto and we couldn’t find a starter for it anywheres.

So, after we got stuck with that Pinto, Cyril says, rather than tyin’ up a couple of hundred bucks to buy one of these old clunkers and then another couple of hundred bucks to find a part we might need or somethin’, maybe we should go more into the auto repair side of the business. That way, we figured, we won’t have to tie up any of our own money (since we don’t got any anyway), and I’d be a lot less likely to catch hell from Minnie if we had a car in the backyard for maybe an afternoon at a time, instead of the year or so we had the Pinto out there up on blocks.

So that seemed like a pretty good idea to me. But here’s the catch, see, and I’m pretty sure Cyril never really figured it out, but I’m not worth a damn fixin’ cars. The truth is, I’d have as much chance of flyin’ a space ship as knowin’ what I’m doin’ tryin’ to change a transmission or somethin’ like that. When it comes to the repair side of things, my role is to look real serious under the hood and then hand Cyril the wrenches or whatever it is he needs to fix things under there. No, my skill is definitely more on the sales side, because I can talk anybody into cuttin’ down the price on and old clunker.

So anyways, one morning there I’m down at Tim Hortons with the usual crew, and who’s at the table next to us but Bobby Merchant – he’s the fella everybody used to call Squish (I don’t know why). Now this is a fella we went to school with when we were kids and he was always right big-feelin’. He’s there talkin’ really loud like somebody from away, talkin’ about how the damn engine light keeps comin’ on on his Caddy and he’s gonna have to get it fixed.

Anyways, long story short, I swallowed my pride a bit and leaned over and told him about me and Cyril havin’ our own backyard business and he should take the car to us to get it fixed. So, sure enough, he goes for it, and one of the guys he’s with follows him over to my place and he leaves the Cadillac there for us to fix.

I called Cyril and told him we had a Cadillac in the yard and he didn’t believe me until he came over to see for himself.

Where in the hell did you get that? He asked me, and I told him all about Bobby Merchant at Tim Horton’s.

Now, we’re not bad guys, me and Cyril, so I’m not sure exactly why we did it, but I think it has somethin’ to do with Bobby Merchant bein’ a big-feelin’ moron. Cyril spent a good two hours lookin’ over the whole car and finally said – Ahhh, there’s nothin’ wrong with the car at all. The reason his engine light keeps comin’ on is because there’s a problem with the light. The bulb keeps gettin’ loose, and that makes the contacts hit, and that’s why the light comes on for no reason.

So Cyril was about to tighten the bulb, when I got probably the best idea I’ve had years. I told Cyril to tighten the bulb only halfway – just enough for the light to go out now, but loose enough so that after he runs over a few potholes, it’ll come back on.

So we charged the guy a hundred bucks labour and a hundred bucks for some imaginary part and off he goes. About a week later, he calls me up and says the light is on again. So he brings it back and Me and Cyril split a case of beer in the back yard, pretendin’ to fix the car. Cyril pops the dash off again, turns the engine light half a screw, and we charge him another couple hundred bucks.

This weekend is the third weekend in a row Mr. Big-feelin’s gonna drive his Caddy into the backyard and we’re going to squeeze out of him some more of that money he made livin’ away all those years.

If we can keep this up, we’ll have him payin’ better than pogey. Now I have to decide where I’m gonna put the new TV.