Big Billy – The Bachelor Party

I’ve been hoggin’ the TV lately, I admit it. Not only is it hockey playoffs, but the Blue Jays are also on every night. I’m tellin’ ya, if I stocked up on pop and chips, I could go from April ‘til June without leavin’ the house. The only time I’d have to get up from chair is to get another cuppa tea or go to the bathroom.

So of course, the other night, Minnie walks in the livin’ room and I just flicked on the start Big BIllyof the hockey game.

Oohhh my cripes! she says. Not another hockey game! When do ya think I’ll be able to watch TV again? I got my shows too, ya know.

Well if ya don’t like hockey, I said, flickin’ the remote, here we go, we can watch this here, I said, just as the Blue Jays were comin’ up to bat.

Oh that’s hilarious, Minnie said. Aren’t you funny. I don’t get it, she said. Ya sit here and watch hockey and baseball every night, and then the next day you’re in front of the TV watchin’ the highlights of the games ya watched the night before. That’d be like me cookin’ a big turkey supper and the next mornin’ sittin’ everybody around the kitchen table and tellin’ yis all exactly how I made the turkey and showin’ ya pictures of it. There’s no sense in it! Are ya surprised when ya find out who won the game ya watched the night before?

Now see, what I’m about to say next is everything ya need to know about pretendin’ to be a good husband, so you young fellas should listen up. See, right there on the spot, I realized a couple of things. First of all, at that time they were only into Game 1 or 2 of the second round of the playoffs, so it’s not like any of the teams were gonna get knocked out if they lost the game. Then I realized, even if Minnie watches a show that’s a whole hour long, that only eats up about two innings of the baseball game, since them things take about five hours to play nowadays.

So I added it all up in my head and I saw my opportunity.

You know what, Minnie? I said. You’re right. I’ve been right sports crazy lately, and it’s not right to keep you away from your shows. I only watch the games to pass the time anyway. It’s not that important to me. Here, I said, gettin’ up out of the chair and goin’ over to sit next to her on the couch and hand her the remote. You watch whatever you want, dear. And I kissed her on the cheek.

Holy cripes, boys. Did yis see how I did that? See how slick I went from realizin’ I wasn’t gonna miss anything important in the games to slidin’ in next to her, toppin’ it off with the kiss? We’re in husband of the year territory here, I figured, and I had a great big smile on my face.

But this ain’t Minnie’s first rodeo. She knows all my tricks and probably some I haven’t even thought of yet.

Oh yeah? she said, shootin’ me the ol’ stink-eye, right suspicious, but snatchin’ the remote from me anyway.

As soon as she clicked it, I knew I made a big mistake.

There was one funny-lookin’ fella in a suit and about a dozen women standin’ there facin’ him.

What’s this? I says.

The Bachelor, Minnie says. This fella has to choose which one of these women he’s gonna end up with.

Now the women were all like TV models or somethin’, all of them pretty as a picture. The guy had his hair all styled and was wearin’ a pink tie.

Wait a minute, I said. You mean all these beautiful women are fightin’ it out over THAT guy? The guy in the pink tie? Because he don’t exactly look like the type that would be chasin’ after women.

Well, he’s not, she said. They’re chasin’ after him.

Yeah, I said. But what I’m sayin’ is, I think he plays for the other team, wouldn’t ya say?

Tuh! Minnie said, and rolled her eyes at me. A fella dresses up in a nice suit and combs his hair and you think he’s gay. What were you expectin’? A guy in joggin’ pants with salami sandwich crumbs down the front of his shirt with engine grease from last Saturday under his fingernails?

You really think I could be on that show? I said, pretendin’ to be right honoured. I can see it. Definitely. All them women fightin’ over me and that.

Oh yes! Minnie said. I can see it now. ‘I felt a real connection with Billy when I realized he only clips his toenails once a month. And the way he burped out loud at supper really helped me feel special.’ Now shut up while I watch the show.

Tell ya what I’d do on there, I said. I’d pick out the ugliest one and I’d pretend to be the most interested in her, so that way the prettier ones would get jealous and try harder.

Would ya now? Sounds like you got ‘er all figured out, Minnie said. Some ratings bonanza that would be, I tell ya. Now can ya shut your trap while I watch the show?

And I’d be able to help them get men to watch it, too. I said. Know how? Mud wrestlin’.

For the love of cripes, will you stop talkin’ so I can watch the friggin’ show? she bellowed at me.

I nodded and pretended to zip my mouth closed, but then the show went on commercial.

Minnie got up and threw the remote at me. Here! she said, and stormed out.

Well, I said. Since it’s on commercial, I might just check the score of the game, eh?

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