Big Billy – The missin’ bag of money

Cyril bursts in the back door and says, Ya gotta help me! I lost a Sobeys bag full of money!

A Sobeys bag full of money? I says. Where in the hell did you get a Sobeys bag full of money?

He says he’s been squirrelin’ away a bit of money here and there. At first he kept it in an Big BIllyold tobacco can on his workbench out in his barn, but after a while the can got so full, he started keepin’ the money in a Sobeys bag in the wrench drawer of his tool box.

I got up this mornin’ he says, and since Joan was goin’ with Minnie for the day, I thought this’d be the perfect time to slip out to Canadian Tire and get some new fishin’ gear. Joan hates when I spend anything on fishin’ gear, says it’s a big waste of money.

All right, I says. We’ll walk through your whole day so far and then we’ll go back and retrace your steps. What’s the first thing ya did this morning?

Well, let’s see now, he says. I got up, went in to use the bathroom, and that’s when I seen the Canadian Tire flyer sittin’ there on the hamper and I was flippin’ through it and seen they had two pages of fishin’ stuff, and that’s when I got the idea I’d sneak out and get somethin’ I seen in there.

Then what happened?

Then there was no toilet paper, and I yelled to Joan, but she couldn’t hear me. So then I hobbled around with my pants around my ankles to check under the sink and in the closet to see if there was any in there, but there wasn’t. So then I figured I might have to use that Canadian Tire flyer –

Why don’t we just skip this part and tell me what happened after ya got out of the bathroom?

Oh, OK. I go downstairs, walkin’ kinda funny because of the part I didn’t tell ya about, and then I sit at the table and have my tea and Joan says she’s goin’ with Minnie to Sydney for the day. So that’s when I figure I got my chance, and as soon as Minnie picks her up and they leave, I go out to the barn and get my bag full of money. And I head off to Tim’s for a coffee.

OK, I says. That’s where we’ll start. And we hop in his truck and drive down to Tim’s and I get him to do exactly what he did earlier. But all he did was drive through the drive-thru, get himself a coffee and two donuts, then park in one of the spots facin’ the road and talk to Tommy, who was parked in his truck in the next spot. So we take a look all around that parkin’ spot, but there’s no bag of money anywheres.

Then I figured I was gettin’ hungry, so I finished my coffee and then went through the McDonald’s drive-thru to get a McMuffin.

OK, I says, Let’s do it. So off we go, through the McDonald’s drive-thru. Only, by then they weren’t servin’ breakfast anymore so we had to get burgers. We parked right where he parked and ate our burgers but there was no sign of a bag of money anywheres.

Then what did ya do? I said, eatin’ a pickle off my shirt.

Then I went to Canadian Tire, he said, and seen I didn’t have the money anymore.

How much money are we talkin’ about here? I asked him.

Swhoooooo, he whistled. I don’t even know. I didn’t even count it before I left, I just grabbed it and took it. But it’s a lot of money. The bag’s full of bills and it’s all the money I got in the world.

Aw cripes, I said. OK, so ya left here and drove straight to Canadian Tire? I says.

He closed his eyes and waved his finger around like he was tracin’ his route on an imaginary map.

Wait! he says. Now I remember! After I finished my breakfast I felt like dessert, so I went to the bakery to get some of them date turnovers, and he pointed at the empty styrofoam package full of crumbs at my feet.

Let’s go there! I said. Ya had to get out of the truck at the bakery, so I bet ya either took it with ya or it fell on the ground when you got out of the truck.

So we pull up in front of the bakery and he shuts the truck off. There was no bag of money on the ground, so he says – OK, I went up to the door like this, then I went in the door like this (and we went in). Then I was standin’ here lookin’ at the rack of pies when I noticed the lace in my boot was untied, so I bent over to tie it and –

There was the Sobeys bag, stuffed and tied at the top, sittin’ on an apple pie on the bottom rack.

We found it! Cyril says. Holy cripes! We found it!

We pulled back into my driveway and Cyril says, Thank God, Billy. I never woulda found this without your help. So I want ya to have a little somethin’.

He reaches into the bag of money and pulls out two bills and hands them two me.

It was 15 cents in Canadian Tire money.

This is a bag of Canadian Tire money?! I said, and almost punched him.

Been savin’ up for a long, long time, he said, huggin’ the bag on his lap. There’s almost five bucks in here. But listen, Cyril said. Before I go home, have ya got a roll of toilet paper I can borrow? I don’t wanna part with the Home Hardware flyer.

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