Anybody knows me, knows I got a big mouth. So it ain’t much of a surprise when every once in a while my foot ends up in my mouth and I say somethin’ really, really, stupid – I admit it. Most of them times I don’t realize there’s anything wrong with what I’m sayin’.
Like the time years ago I asked one of Minnie’s friends how far along she was. Whaddya mean? she says. And that shoulda been my first clue right there. But I had the best of intentions – I just wanted to congratulate her and all that. So I hauled up my shirt, stuck my gut out as far as it would go, and rubbed my big hairy stomach in circles as I said – How far along with the baby, I mean.
The poor thing just burst out cryin’. What’s wrong? I said. Don’t she know who the father is? But that just made it worse. And with the woman sittin’ right there at the kitchen table (I won’t even tell yis her name, because I learned my lesson), Minnie picked up the broom and started beatin’ me with it.
As ya can prolly tell, she wasn’t pregnant at all. I beat my way down the basement until she left, but I could hear her chokin’ out between sobs – I get right bloated *sob* whenever I eat carrots! (Now I’m no nutritionist, but I don’t think carrots give people big bellies. Not that I said that to her – I was too busy downstairs checkin’ my broom welts to see if any of them were bleedin’.)
So like I say, most of the time it’s stuff like that. I mean well but it comes out all wrong and I end up lookin’ like an arse.
But the other problem I got – and I’m tellin’ yis this so yis can be careful yourselfs – is whenever I meet somebody I don’t know, or haven’t seen in a long time, my natural instinct is to try to break the ice with a dirty joke.
Now when Little Bill was in elementary school, he was quite a little hellraiser. And Minnie was forever goin’ to the school to pick him up for fightin’ or pullin’ pranks. And I guess she got sick of bein’ the one to deal with it all the time, so when parent-teacher night came up, she told me – you’re the one goin’ this time, mister.
I was right nervous when I met his teacher, a Mr. MacDonald. But he was a nice fella, and he said he knew Bill was a smart kid and all little boys get in trouble sometimes, and maybe I could have a talk with him, but the teacher said he wasn’t too worried about him. It went great and I was right relieved.
Seein’ Rosie’s teacher was supposed to be the easy one. Rosie gets 90s and hundreds in everything. But I walked in and the teacher was young and really pretty, which I guess made me a bit nervous.
Oh, she said, Rosie’s such a good student, I swear there are some days she could teach the class!
Ha! I said. And I guess I thought it was nice the teacher made a little joke, so I thought I’d give her one of my own.
Stop me if ya heard this one, I says to her. Two blind priests and a monkey are sittin’ on a park bench when a fish truck drives by ….
Well holy cripes, by the time I got back home, Minnie was waitin’ for me with the broom, since the principal already called her.
You told a dirty joke to Rosie’s teacher?! What were you thinkin’?
It was just a little joke, I said. But I don’t think she got it because she didn’t laugh at all. You know the one where the priest says at the end – I guess it’s Tuesday because Sister Agnes is goin’ shoppin’?
Oh my god! Minnie said, and cracked me in the kneecap.
Then there was the time years and years ago after our niece Cathy’s christening when the priest showed up at Cyril and Joan’s house afterwards. We all tucked our beer behind our backs and he laughed and took one himself and then told us a little joke about a protestant and a catholic at the gates of St. Peter. I didn’t really get it, but I figured it was my turn so I tried to loosen us all up by tellin’ a really funny one.
Hey Father, did ya hear the one about the priest, the hooker and the altar boy who get locked in the janitor’s closet?
I finished the joke and everybody was roarin’, but the priest was kind of lookin’ at me funny because he didn’t get it. He stayed at the party for a while, and it was an hour later when he was puttin’ his shoes back on to leave that his face turned white and he said – Heaven help us, I just figured out what you meant about the mop handle.
The worst one was probably the time I was out Christmas shoppin’ and ran into Donnie, an old buddy I used to shoot darts with years ago. I don’t even know how it came up, but I ended up startin’ to tell the joke about the two paralyzed newlyweds on their wedding night.
That’s when Donnie’s wife rolled up in a wheelchair.
Wait a minute, I said. I’m tellin’ it wrong. Let me start over – Two blind priests and a monkey are sittin’ on a park bench when a fish truck drives by…